ellen and i were discussing this one time how we should swap the kinda guys we go for. i've always been much more into asians, and she caucasians. we never did the swap but this past trip definitely had me telling her, "don't bother".

1. the asian guys are generally used to getting asian girls so there's none of the "first" moments. sml was just adorable. i was his first asian, and he just wanted me wrapped in his arms <3. i'll give you asian guys credit, i've had very sweet "moments" with each of my ex's, but nothing compared to sml.

2. gotta be honest. c >>>> a when it comes to kissing. n i say this firmly bc of past experiences. hands down, no competition. ;p

3. size. need i say more. iiiy?  roflmao <3

4. this one really bothers me. c are smooth talkers, n straight to the point. no beating around the bush. "r u gonna hook up with my friend?" a tend to like to play mind games. eff that ish. too much work to figure you out, imma say "buh bye!"

now i know i know, depends on the individual, don't group. what can i say, it was just that good. lol

side note: however, old habits die hard. ;]

omg i have a really bad case of cruise-fever. it was a complete success. beautiful scenery, so many things to do, and great food. and did i mention the F00D?!?!?!? n i had my first vanilla experience ;]

i try to be a positive person but there's always something that happens that changes that. my aunt mentioned the other day i need to be optimistic/positive instead of pessimistic/negative. considering what i go through, its pretty hard.

forget friends. im tired of being only a convenience. its like i don't matter at all unless they need something. this is why family will always come first to me.

im pretty p/o at myself. when in the hospital, i lost alot of weight. when i finally got out, i kept hearing ppl say how sickly thin i was, and boy did that get irratating. of course i let it get to my head. instead of capitolizing on the weight lost n just toning n just say screw what they were saying, i wasn't careful with what i ate. i didn't gain a lot of weight, but i did gain n im back to where i started last may, mentally. i'm mad at myself for letting opinions n remarks influence me. if i didn't, i'd be so much closer to how i want to look.

weak. people pleaser. thats me. after this bahamas cruise in a few weeks, imma reevaluate who's worth keeping in my life. 

look forward to the future, don't look back at the past, cuz you'll trip over the present

i've been in a sentimental kinda mood lately n looking back at my past. i must say, i've changed quite a bit. im imperfect, yes. but im much stronger. its true, "that which does not kill you only makes you stronger". i've hit rock bottom, gone back up, only to hit rock bottom again. but what i've learned is that its a continuous cycle, like an hour glass. n instead of dwelling on it, you learn n move past it.




now since its valentine's day
when you love, love with all your heart. cuz honestly, if you feel otherwise, y be in love at all? love is taking risks. if you aren't willing to take risks, just go live in a bubble. you might get hurt, yes. but along the way you might've had some of the best times of your life.

love. its a wonderful thing

i am worthless, umimportant, and a nobody.
or that was what i used to think. 
but emerging thru the shadows of the past,
i've come to realize that i am a survivor.

a survivor of repetitive heartbreak by him.
a survivor of 20+ years of mental/emotional abuse.
a survivor of unexpected life changes.

limitless tears were shed,
numerous "please please please let me go to sleep & never wake up".
countless 'give up' moments.

through this all i may have been beaten & broken,
but never done.
and i've come to realize i am strong.

i thank God for my life
& the people presently in it & people who used to be in it.
no matter if you were my support or breaker,
u helped me become a stronger person.

i haven't completely changed & done a 180
(at least i don't think so)
but i am somebody.
& nothing can stop me on my quest
of making something out of the life that my parents gave me.






asshole // piece of shit  // failed womanizer
i am unattractive, yes.
but not deserving of the 4+ years of hell you put me through.
i'm not a convenience,
someone to be used & tossed.
i am someone worthy of falling for a guy
& having him feel the same.
i truly loved you,
and would've gone to the end of the earth & back for you.
at last, you played me a fool over & over again
like a broken record.
but i've come to realize
you were nothing but a thorn in my side.
now that we're far apart,
im (10^23)X better.
thank you for helping me let go.